I'll Smile Anyway!

My favorite feature has always been my smile. It was what attracted my husband to me for the first time - and even though I acted like I hated having my picture taken I would smile HUGE for the camera every time.

This month marks one of the longest and hardest years my smile has had to endure. Last year at the end of July I found out I was pregnant and ran out the door smiling as big as I could. Then, a cold sore erupted on my face in the end of August and I started to loose my ability to smile. I was diagnosed with Bell's Palsy and given strict orders to rest and take care of my non- shutting left eye. They couldn't do anything else because I was pregnant. I didn't smile much during that first trimester.

Josh had dealt with Bell's Palsy when he was 21, before I ever met him. It threw him into a 2 week long depression. Paralyzing half of your face really messes with your mind! The first photo is my favorite - Josh kissing my paralyzed face. This told me he understood my pain and thought of me as beautiful in spite of my paralysis. The second shows the extent of the damage at the time. I was smiling as big as possible....that was hard to deal with. My smile was only halfway present.

I didn't fall into depression though because Lizzie kept me laughing. We made taping our eyes shut part of our nightly routine. I would reach for the medical tape and Lizzie would point to her eye, giggling. I'd take a small piece and put it on her cheek and then she'd point to my eye and say "mama eye!" It warmed my heart to know that I wasn't the ugly scary beast I imagined - my 15 month old wasn't frightened of me!

Slowly, the healing came. At first the noises weren't ear piercingly loud on my left side. Then I started being able to taste food on my tongue. The final evidence of healing was when I was able to whistle after David was born!

The Lord answered my deepest prayer. I prayed fervently that my baby boy would see a smiling mother looking down on him - and one with a complete smile. I didn't want his first sight of me to resemble Quasimodo. And it didn't.

I still have a tiny bit of synkinesis that I will always have to deal with. Here are two photos- before BP and after. Only a trained eye such as my own can tell the difference, and I am so thankful for that. But I can tell a difference. I must remind myself that I am the only one...I just look so different...it is almost unnerving at times. If I pose with my left side (the affected side) toward the camera it is a lot more noticeable. So I really do have a "bad side!"

I'll bet that entire paragraph you were wondering what in the world synkinesis is.... and did you google bell's palsy yet?

Here is a super quick definition: Bell's Palsy is when the 7th cranial nerves swell (they are the nerves that affect the eye, mouth, cheek and ear). When the nerves swell against the bone they can't work - signals from the brain don't get back and forth and the face becomes paralyzed. Causes? unknown...but pregnancy and viruses like herpes (my cold sore) are thought to be likely.

BP can last a month or up to a year (for me it was the entire pregnancy!)

What is synkinesis? It is when new nerve twigs regrow and affect areas they wouldn't normally stimulate. In my case, when I close my eyes the left corner of my mouth twitches & when I whistle my left eye closes. This is so annoying......can they fix it? maybe with surgery, but I'd rather just deal with it. It is more annoying than anything and I am the only one that notices anyways.

In spite of my different smile - I'll grin from ear to ear. I'll catch myself staring at my lopsided eyes once in awhile, but I shake it off. My smile might be different now, but at least I don't have to tape my eye shut at night anymore!